


Any Way the Wind Blows

by lyllytas



Series: Retirement [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Aziraphale (Good Omens), Family, Fatherhood, M/M, Magical Binding, Non sex repulsed asexual character, Self-Indulgent, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-15 14:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19297939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyllytas/pseuds/lyllytas
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley have been forcefully retired now for 5 years. They've also become proud parents to two girls. And this is how time goes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure nothing at all graphic in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work #2 of my early very self indulgent AU.

Retirement had suited Anthony J. Crowley and Azira Fell well. Bella was a shy, sweet little thing that had taken months to trust them enough to open up. Suzanne, who knew more about the world and the dark people it contained was hesitant.

Crowley had taken her out for ice cream one during one of their first visits, getting her some ridiculously overindulgent sundae and told her everything; how they'd basically had their powers taken away, and were no longer agents of Heaven or Hell.

“Saving you two,” he said as he plucked one of the cherries off and popped it into his own mouth. “Well that was really the last thing we did.” He swallowed and looked at her. “We're not much anymore. We're pretty much human, just like you. But if you'd like to, you're welcome here. No crazy sermons 3 times a day, and no one will ever touch you like that again, or I'll deal with it the mortal way.”

“And most importantly, Aziraphale loves sweets. So there will always be lots.”

<~>

And that had been it. The four of them, they were a family now. Crowley and Az, Bell and Suzy Fell. They loved it here in Tadfield. Adam and The Them looked out for Suzy, though she was a year behind them. And Little Bell had started reception at the primary school in the fall. Crowley and Zira were the doting couple that everyone in the village had come to adore; always spoiling their children halfway rotten.

Aziraphale always made the village children laugh with his terrible magic tricks and made the adults feel like they were the only person in the room when they spoke to him. Crowley's garden was much admired throughout the village, though now he took care of things the old fashioned way; with fertilizer and actual words of encouragement. It turned out to actually be quite therapeutic.

They had Tea twice a week with the neighbors; Adam and The Them had dinner with at Fell Cottage on Saturdays. Newt and Anathema had brunch with them on Wednesdays. Five years had gone by like this. Slow, peaceful; positively bucolic. It was wonderful.

<~>

Little Bell had been the one who started the whole nicknaming business the first year. “Da!” She shouted one day when Crowley picked her up from Primary. She was quite behind, and the school and a whole bunch of people were working with her, but she was quite stunted in what she should know.

People had been so neglectful to her before, and now Crowley and Zira would stop at nothing to help her. She'd done it several more times, and eventually Crowley realized that she was trying to get his attention.

“Da-Da.” She tugged on his sleeve. “Up.”

Oh. _Oh_. He picked little Bell up, holding her tight.

“Zira should have Suzy from secondary now. Let's get ice cream, what do you say to that Belly?” He twiddled her nose.

He texted Aziraphale a series of emoticons, ending with the ice cream symbol. Zira was getting better at understanding text speak, though he'd probably take another 100 years to pick it up. His angel absolutely **hated** having a smart phone, but it was almost a necessity as a parent. Crowley thought about it then decided plain English was better.

_< that means you and Suzy are going to meet us at the ice cream place. >_

_< Of course dear_. > His phone buzzed. _< Be there soon. Drive safe :) >_

Aziraphale was more content with his driving these days, as Crowley took more care when the girls were in the car and the villagers were his friends. He buckled Bella into her car seat. “Ok then, all set. Hold your horses, Little One. We'll see them in a little bit.”

He kept up a stream of nonsensical chatter, the speech therapist said it would help Bell.

“Fa!” She said once they'd arrived and she was free of the constraints of the car seat.

“What's that?” Crowley glanced down at her as she tugged him through the carpark.

“Fa Fa!” She pointed at Aziraphale as they walked into the building

“Well hello dearest little one!” Aziraphale took her from Crowley and hugged her. She made lots of happy noises.

“Let's get in line.” Suzy huffed as the two of them just gazed into each other's eyes.

“Are you Fa?” Crowley asked, looking over his glasses.*

(*it was a truly hard habit to break.)

“Oh, why yes. I'm still not quite sure what it means. But I'm pretty sure that's me.”

“Er. She called me Da earlier.” He swallowed. “Da-da.”

“ _Oh._ ”

“Well I suppose it doesn't hurt.” Crowley said after a moment. “Though I can feel my cool dark personality being chipped away at.”

“My dear, I'm hesitant to tell you, but I don't think anyone in this village thinks you're cool.” Aziraphale smiled fondly.

"'cept you." Crowley smirked back as Suzy pulled on his hand.

“We're up.” She huffed.

“Well get something messy. With lots of chocolate.”

She rolled her eyes. “I'll stick with my cone. How do you not like ice cream?* You're really missing out."

(*Crowley's body needed nourishment now, but sweets were decidedly Aziraphale's thing, not his. And ice cream was so cold)

<~>

The first year, as was implied, held a lot of firsts. Their first Holiday season  together; Crowley had really enjoyed Halloween, though apparently it was quite a bigger deal in the States according to Anathema. Christmas had been truly lovely, Adam had been no doubt to thank for the weather. And on New years, there had been beautiful fireworks.

<~>

In the summer, they had traveled around, showing the girls the world they had enjoyed for so long. And during the school years, Crowley and Aziraphale threw themselves into life and parenthood in the village. Crowley made lovely cookies for the PTA bake sales.

It turned out that actually baking things was also rather nice, and he really enjoyed watching Aziraphale eat whatever treat he made. Aziraphale volunteered at the local bookstore, reading to the kids once a week.*

(*That one had come about mainly due to Bell, but the other kids seemed to love the voices Aziraphale made and how he seemed to bring the story to life)

<~>

Sex fell to the back burner, as Crowley and Aziraphale focused on the children. A lot of people might have found it strange, but they found it worked for them. They had sex maybe once a year. When you lived for all eternity, a person took a different view of time.

Aziraphale never initiated, but he was quite content to go along with it when it happened. They kissed a lot though. And cuddled; they'd gotten a rather nice bed that seemed to go on for ages, and was almost sinfully wicked how soft it was.

<~>

Life was pleasant for them. The second year had been almost as nice as the first, and they'd decided to make things official, if Suzy and Belly wanted to stay.*

(*They did. Though the paperwork took ages without them being able to miraculously move it along.)

Late the third year they had “renewed” their vows, once the adoption went through, with the Belly being the flower girl and Suzanne acting as the ring-bearer. They'd let the girls choose their outfits. Bell's outfit was a ridiculously poofy dress which she kept calling her “Pwincess dwess” while Suzy had chosen a more muted pant suit.

The whole affair had been rather mushy, if Crowley admitted. Most of the village had been there, and there had been plenty of sweets, lots of photos, and plenty of truly bad dancing; they had it on video now and everything. Suzy proclaimed them as embarrassing, but what dads aren't embarrassing to their teenage daughter?

<~>

The fourth year was unremarkable, rather nice for them. The truly enjoyed the honeymoon period and relaxing time in the village.

<~>

The fifth year seemed like it was going to be much of the same, life as usual, but the end of the fifth year...that was when it all changed.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The cottage was on fire. That was the first thing Crowley noticed once he pulled up. He ran inside without a seconds hesitation, not even bothering to close the door of the Bentley. He'd only gone to London to pick up something they'd left at the now shuttered bookshop. He turned in circles surveying the destruction.

"Dearest?" He called "Love? Girls?" He waited. "Are you there?"

The fire was a bit much, He thought to himself. But then he smelled gas. Not brimstone. Not Heaven or Hell then. Humans. And Aziraphale, he couldn't do anything.

"Oh no, no, no." He watched their lives burning down around him for the second time, Aziraphale's name on his lips. It was so hard to breathe. "Curse it."

He tore through the room, unable to miraculously save anything, but his hands would work just fine. He grabbed the photo albums, feeling dizzy from the smoke and the heat and tried to look around the room. It was filled with smoke, but the exit door seemed passable. He wasn't sure how he made it out.

"Oh, Anthony!" His neighbor Ellen called to him, gathering him up in her arms once he was out. She was a darling old thing, "Where's Zira and the girls?"

He shook his head. "I don't know." He wheezed.

"Oh dear. The fire department just pulled up. Give them space to work."

She herded him back. "What's that in your hands love?"

"It's the photos. Family photos." He held the albums tighter as he coughed.

"There's an ambulance too. Let's go over there." She spoke gently, like he was a spooked horse.

"Zira.” He shook his head, staying rooted to the spot.

"He would want you to take care of yourself." She gripped his hand, "You know that. Come along."

She led him like a child to the ambulance, and let them take over. "I think the poor dear is in shock." She told the paramedic.

<~>

There was so much smoke in his lungs, getting that out had been a rather unpleasant experience he didn't want to repeat. Worse was not knowing what had happened to his family. He could do nothing but watch their home burn and feel helpless.

So many memories. They'd had years in this cottage, but it was over now. It was all crashing and burning around him, and it wasn't long enough, wasn't fair.

<~>

_The first week with them had ended every night with Suzy having a nightmare. Aziraphale and Crowley would make her a mug of coco, Aziraphale piling on the marshmallows and the two would talk to her until she calmed down._

_Crowley had his own share of nightmares, now that he HAD to sleep; that it wasn't just something he did because he was bored and it was a good way to pass time. When he closed his eyes, he remembered_ things, _and knew that little Suzy was trapped in a hell her mind wouldn't let go of._

_"When you used to be a demon,” Suzy started, “you know, with powers and stuff, what type of demon were you?" She held her coco mug and looked at him. "Not like, your eyes or whatever. Like what type of person were you?"_

_"Well God herself put it best. I was a Demon of Inconvenience. Traffic jams. Shoe laces that just won't stay tied." He gestured. “Stuff like that, and fun stuff, Selfies for one."_

_"So You never did stuff like Malcolm."_

_"No. I tempted some people, have a slice of cake, ruin your diet, but I never hurt kids."_

_"What about adults?"_

_"Not like that."_

_Aziraphale joined them at the table with his own overflowing cup and gave Suzy a reassuring smile._

_"Sex, well it's supposed to be a nice thing, but only if everyone enjoys it. And no one gets hurt." Crowley paused. "I'm pretty sure most human don't have this talk till they're older._

_"I knew in my gut that you two were safe, but I keep having dreams, and I know we're orphans, it's how we ended up there in the first place, but what if they make us go back to our Aunt's? They're family, and they like to keep family together.”_

_"My darling, we're not going to let that happen." Aziraphale cooed._

“ _Family or not, you didn't deserve what that ilk was doing.”_

_"But what if it happens again? He's not the only bad person in the world!"_

_"Humans have all sorts of built in defenses, I mean look at your teeth. If you want to learn to use, well to protect yourself, then I'm sure Aziraphale and I can find something that works for you.” He said. “I mean, I have my plants. Aziraphale takes care of books, and if you want to learn how to make sure no one ever touches your or your sister ever again, we'll make it happen." *_

(*and they did. Suzy quite enjoyed karate.)

<~>

Detectives had shown up at some point, and Crowley learned more. No bodies had been found, but the fire seemed deliberate, and there was accelerant. It had been deliberate, and then they were asking him so many questions. _And_ someone had done _this._ His mind kept running in circles

Aziraphale and the girls were gone, and he had no answers, no powers. He was just sitting in a quiet little room as they hounded him with questions he didn't know the answers too, and he could do nothing. Someone brought him coffee at some point. He didn't drink it. The sludge grew cold.

<~>

“ _Fa!” Bella giggled out with delight. It was Christmas morning; a White Christmas of course. Belly really enjoyed the sound that wrapping paper made as it crinkled and tore, and Aziraphale had done some truly terrible magic* over breakfast once the pile of gifts had been demolished._

_*Fake magic of course._

_For each other, they'd had a hard time shopping, after 6,000 years, what could they possibly get each other? Aziraphale's gift had been a book, of course it had. But this one did not contain elegant writing, nor writing of any sort. It was more of a picture book, one Crowley had ordered from the internet with their various summer vacations and favorite photos inter-spaced._

_“Oh, Anthony,” Aziraphale's voice was fond. “It's wonderful. I'm afraid mine rather pales in comparison.” He handed Crowley a smaller parcel._

“ _Glasses?”_

“ _Oh, they're something nifty the humans have come out with recently, transition lenses. They're clear inside, and turn into sunglasses under the right light."_

_"I figured since you don't have to hide your eyes anymore but still insist on wearing those things, I could at least find you something that would keep you from walking into walls at night. But you don't have to wear them if you don't want.”_

_“Shut up.” He replaced his old pair. “I love them.”_

“ _Waffles!” Suzy yelled from the kitchen. “Da, we want waffles and you said Fa wasn't allowed to cook anymore unless we wanted to eat coal.”_

“ _Duty calls Darling.” Aziraphale kissed his forehead._ “ _Happy Christmas.”_

“ _Happy Christmas.”_

“ _DAAA!” Suzy called again._

“ _Come on, before they mutiny.” Crowley hustled him along_

_< ~>_

Crowley was alone in some hotel room, trying not to think when something caught his attention. Light. He knew that _Light._

"Was this you?" He growled, fully prepared to fight God if he needed to.

"No, Crowley,” She said, “but I knew it would happen. Knew that one day you'd be in the place where you needed to be."

"No." He pointed a finger upwards. "None of your mysterious ways! Aziraphale's in danger. My girls are gone."

"Demon. Serpent, _Child._ I know where your angel is. Your daughters too."

"I... Zira." He paused, his angel needed him. His finger dropped. He stared into the light.

"And I will tell you where he is, because if the human uses him like he plans, he then everything stops. He ruins everything. He thinks that he knows, and he could figure it out. Stop him. He is messing with forces he can not comprehend."

"Stop him? Oh, like it's just that bloody easy. I'll just snap my fingers and everything is right as rain." He gestured around with his hands. "Well in case you need a reminder, I can't DO that stuff anymore. Everyone made sure of that. They bound my wings, my power. I'm basically just a human." His hands shook as he yelled. "What do you expect me to do? Charge in there with a machine gun?” he rolled his eyes. “I'm not stupid. I can't do anything like this."

"You could,” she told him “but you don't need to."

He felt it. Felt his wings unfurl from their confinement, and power flooded through him, and he knew that his eyes were back to blaring yellow. He stumbled under the sudden weight of his powers.

"Crowley, _demon of inconvenience_ , the humans are holding on to something that their minds are unable to understand and they will destroy it. And if they get the power they seek, they will destroy everything."

"Look, you're a burn and salt the Earth. Why bother with me? Just," he motioned his hands, “destroy everything like you do.”

"Because I don't want to destroy Aziraphale too. You were once one of my angels. But it's time for you to be a Demon, the one you always could have been. You are my agent."

"But I Fell." He protested.

"Indeed." She paused. "Like you said, mysterious ways. Now Go."

"Go where?" He scoffed.

"You will know."

And suddenly he did. The light was gone. He was restored, and he knew where Aziraphale was.

"Hold on sweethearts, I'm coming." His eyes firm. * 

(* Heaven nor Hell could not have stood in the way of him getting his family back, and Humans sure wouldn't.)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I Really, Really like this AU, and I'll Happily write about Fa and Da for ages. I really just wanted to write some Crowley whump. But now they're Married Celestial Dads and my heart is happy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some unpleasant business happens in this scene, it's pretty glossed over, cannon levels of violence

Getting to _there_ had been no trouble for him. _There_ was another just a rundown set of buildings in the middle of nowhere, Scotland. He hadn't bothered with human transportation, it would take too long.

Crowley settled on just thinking, and there he was. He felt a little resistance, like spiderwebs that he crashed through. They'd at least tried to prepare themselves for what was coming. But it wasn't enough. Not with his family on the other side.

He popped into the middle of the room and could just feel Aziraphale. There was so much evil here, but Aziraphale's presence cut through it like a beacon. Crowley glanced around and then he saw him.

Aziraphale was slumped to the floor, in the middle of one of the circles, bloody, and barely breathing and glowing with so much light. The other circle Crowley saw was presumably for him, and was empty at the moment, not that he had any plans of ever being in it.

“And so he comes. I told you he would come.” A voice interrupted his thoughts.

Crowley turned around at the voice. “Oh, it's you,” he said as he recognized the arsehole 'priest' even after all these years. “Didn't get enough last time Malcolm?” Crowley t'sked and shook his head. “He really should have killed you then, But Aziraphale's just too nice. What did you do with my girls?” He reached out, looking for their presence but didn't feel it. Not here then. Somewhere else.”

“They are not your girls, demon. You stole them for yourselves.” One of the men shouted. He had jagged scratches down his cheek and was clearly favoring one leg. Good on Suzy then.

“We took them back. Made sure you wouldn't taint them further. They're safe now.” He smiled nastily. “And now you'll pay before you suffer a worse fate.”

 _“Oh.”_ Rage filled him and he knew, he _knew_ what that feeling was that the man was giving off. _Knew_ the girls were dead. Crowley was supposed to protect them, and he had failed.

“We wanted you both.” Malcolm spoke. “Alas, you were not there, but you're here now. We will take you down. The planets may not be perfect but they're close enough.”

"You know too much." Crowley said with a maniacal laugh, "And yet you know nothing. The worst kind of ssstupid." His voice slurred with anger. "My type loves things stuff. But you picked the wrong victim. Aziraphale might have let you live last time. Oh but now.... Look at what you've done to him. And I smell what you did to Suzy and Bell, and now you're left with me, and I am not merccciful. In fact I'm very, very angry.” He yelled as he moved closer.

"I've got Holy water!" Malcolm warned.

“And I've got to listen to you spout this nonsense about planetsss!” Crowley threw his hands up. “Like you think the cosmos will grant you some mysterious power.”

Crowley wiggled his fingers and shook his head. “It won't. I know what's up there. I helped make some of those planets. Rather proud of some of them. But they way they rotate around each other,” He paused, “well, that's never going to give you what you want.”

“This thing will.” And Malcolm pointed at Aziraphale and spoke a few words. Aziraphale let out an inhuman screech, the circle glowing harsher around him, and the air around Malcolm lit up as Aziraphale's power flooded into him.

Crowley stared in disbelief as he felt Aziraphale shrivel away. "I never was very good at being a demon." He said steadily once he'd recovered his voice. "But perhaps I can be." The ground started to shake, boils and blisters appeared on the skin of Malcolm's followers *

(* Terrible men always have followers. Terrible people attract the needy and desperate.)

Then came the hallucinations and physical ailments. And blood dripped from the walls, humans tore at their skin when he summoned the locust and flies.

“What about fire? You burned our houssse, it seems only fitting I pay you back.” He summoned fire in his fists and blasted at the walls, laughing madly the whole time.

“Beast!” Malcolm yelled running towards a vessel carrying the holy water Crowley could feel from where he stood.

Crowley laughed "That won't work on me. Hasn't in quite a while." He grinned toothily, showing his fangs "but you're always welcome to find out for yourself. Maybe something's changed."

Crowley strode forward, calling the cask over to him, tearing it open and dipped his fingers in with no hesitations. "Seems like regular water.” He poured the case over his head. "Still nothing. I mean, it messed up my hair, was that what it was supposed to do?"

He shrugged and threw the empty container over his shoulder. He felt let his features shift more serpentine and hissed, his forked tongue sticking out.

“I made a promissse if anyone ever hurt her, I'd deal with it. And I am.” He raised his hands up.“I'm going to bring this placcce to the ground.”

He growled, increasing the quakes until the ground bucked and twisted, and debris fell from the roof, raining down on them.

“I'll stop you.” Malcolm warned. "I have power now."

"Oh, d'ya know how to use it?” He bared his fangs. “Been agesss since I had a good fight. At leassst make this worth my while." He laughed maniacally.

Malcolm had Aziraphale's powers, so hellfire was out. But there were so many other options. He shook his hands to get rid of the fire he'd summoned moments ago.

But the priest looked panicked.

"Takes some time to figure out how to work it, doesn't it?” Crowley tutted at the man. “Pity. I wasss looking forward to it. The end of the world last time really got my blood pumping." He licked his lips and tasted smoke.

"Last time I told you to run. That was my missstake. My family paid for it. This time I'll be sssmarter. You're. Fucked." He hissed and every bone in the priests body broke and he crumpled to the ground in screams.

"Oy, all of you, ssshut up." He jerked his arms as he walked over to the man. There was sweet silence as everyone in the room went mute. "I have a theory to test out." He said out loud, though no one was likely paying attention. *

(*He was wrong there were several interested parties watching them at this moment.)

“Do you know what happens when demons and angels are in the same body? Well it'ssss quite messy. And you went and took Aziraphale for yourself. Do you fancccy yourssself an angel? Well let's sssee what happensss.” Crowley forced himself into the human. He could feel blood boiling and muscles straining.

'Hm, not enough angel,' Crowley though to himself and put a little bit of effort into making it happen. He popped physically back into the room looking at what he'd caused.

"Wait.” He paused. “Not enough angel. Aziraphale!" He turned with a shout, slipping on blood and guts. And then finally he was there. He threw himself on the floor, not even noticing how the stone bruised his knees and turned Aziraphale over. “Angel, are you in there?"

The building was falling down around them so he closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he could, trying to fix this, but Whatever they'd done to Aziraphale, he needed help. And he knew who Aziraphale needed.

Light. They were in Heaven. Bringing them here had been easy compared to everything he'd just done. He knew he shouldn't have been able to, but this was where they needed to be, so there he was. Crowley was covered in blood and soot, a crazed look to his eyes when he opened them. There was commotion around him, but he ignored it.

"Aziraphale," Crowley pawed at his chest, feeling a weak heart beat was weak against his fingers and he looked up.

Around him they were demanding an explanation.

"Do that fingers thing." Crowley bit at Gabriel as he mimicked the mind reading. "I haven't the time to explain, and you won't believe me if I try." And then he was out, exhausted from the amount of power he'd used for the plagues, and opening a way to Heaven.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One part, maybe two left. I'm trying to get all of this posted so I can go pack for surgery! Once I'm able to use a computer again, I will no doubt come back to play in this verse. A happy ending is coming, I promise!


	4. Chapter 4

When he woke, Crowley was still in Heaven. That bit was surprising. Not exactly the response he'd expected. There were no chains or ropes or anything. Just a futon. He glance around trying to make sense. "Zira?" He sat up and looked around

"Crowley." That wasn't Aziraphale. It was _Gabriel._

He turned to look at the angel who was standing behind him. "Wot?” His brow wrinkled in confusion. “Why does your face look like that?"

"That was quite enlightening.” Gabriel walked closer. “You're married then."

"Yes,” Crowley touched his wedding band with his thumb. “And I would like to know what has happened to my husband."

"You were a Seraphim.” Gabriel continued. “I guess we're lucky that you decided you liked the human world enough to not destroy it. We'd be, what are you always saying?" He paused. "Fucked."

"Look, I didn't want to have anything to do with this. Aziraphale and I have spent the last five years staying out of any business to do with above or down below. Just doing things like humans do. I didn't ask for my wings back, she just, made it happen."

Crowley shook his head. "We were retired, okay? We had two little girls. And you won't tell me what is happening to Aziraphale but I came here because you're the one people who could help him. And I did what she told me." At some point he'd gotten out of bed and his fingers were digging into Gabriel's shirt.

He sighed and looked up. “Why does it matter who I was before I Fell. Do you just want to rub it in my face, oh high and mighty one? I'm not now. My daughters are dead... And Aziraphale...”

"He's alright. Well he will be. We're still trying to gather up all the pieces of his soul floating around,” Gabriel grimaced. “That human really did not know what he was doing."

Crowley didn't hear that. His ears were ringing. He fell to his knees. "He's alright?"

"I'm an Angel, would I lie?” Gabriel scoffed. “You can see for yourself."

"You're going to let me see him?" He looked up to Gabriel suddenly hopeful.

"Well, if the almighty planned for this to happen, I can't really say no. I don't like having you loose up here, but I've been in your head twice now." Gabriel motioned for him to follow.

Crowley climbed to his feet and did so mutely. They felt like they walked forever.

"Where's everyone?" He took in all the white empty space around them.

"Believe it or not, Crowley, a lot of people think that you are quite capable of causing a lot of trouble up here, even without knowing everything about you.”

"Well I do quite like mayhem. Black Friday sales, that was one of mine. The dmv, PTA meetings, and planking too.”

“Not your usual demon fare."

"Well I enjoyed it.” He talked mindlessly. “And being retired wasn't so bad. Humans keep things interesting. I'd grown quite fond of hacking. You know, with computers. DDoS attacks, editing Wikipedia. Buying the history books for schools that are actually accurate and not just propaganda. Bake sales and stuff."

Banter was easy but his breath wooshed out of him when they turned a corner* and suddenly there was Aziraphale. His eyes were open, but he was just sitting there. Doing nothing. Not even blinking. Like a robot.

Crowley couldn't stop the sound that tore from his lips.

*Heaven was full of wide open spaces, but it too had walls.

“That's just the body. Don't want to put the soul in there yet till we've got it all. Can still do a mind read on a body. All the parts are there.”

Crowley closed his eyes slowly and reopened them. “And what is your judgment?”

“The two of you are really irritating.” He sighed. “I thought we had a good plan, leaving you two bound, but the human element,” He shook his head “it's not going to work now. Which leaves us with a problem.”

Crowley huffed in irritation. “I did what she wanted. Was a right proper demon for once. Aziraphale and I, we don't want to be a problem. Quite frankly, we were hoping not to hear from any of you for a VERY long time. And if this is what it's going to be like, constantly looking over our shoulder and explaining things to whichever big boss, Don't want any of it.” Crowley groaned. “She dragged me back into this and my daughters paid for it.”

“I asked myself how could _Raphael_ fall.”

“S'not my name!” He growled. “Not anymore.”

“You tried to heal him.”

“I couldn't. I tried. The almighty, she planned for me to Fall. But she also took away the power when I Fell.” He flicked his hand “Poof. Burned away. Raphael burned.” He turned towards Gabriel with a sudden realization. “You've already got his soul, don't you?”

“We're debating about whether or not to put it back. He's not an angel, not anymore. But he also hasn't Fallen. Like you.”

“And so this is some kind of game to all of you? Get bored up here in your ivory tower, and tune in to our lives like it's just some kind of soap opera for your own amusement? Always something with you lot. Since the very very beginning it's always been something.”

Crowley clenched his fists in frustration. “All we wanted was to be left alone. Hadn't we earned more than a few years of peace? I burned and I still did what the Almighty wanted. Even after six thousand years.” He whined.

“Do you want me to beg. Because I will.” Crowley dropped to his knees. “Don't punish Aziraphale because of me. If she planned for me to Fall, then she knew this was going to happen. And she told me where Aziraphale was and I couldn't save him, but you guys can. Please.” He was crying now. “Please. He couldn't even do anything because his power and grace was bound. He doesn't deserve this. And he's all I've got now. Take me if you need someone to blame. Just let Aziraphale live.”

“How did you ever make it as a demon?”

Crowley glanced up, wiping at his face. Gabriel made a motion.

“Aziraphale would have been a better fit down below. But you have a good heart. I see why she choose you.” He cleared his throat. “Alright. You shall have your peace. You and Aziraphale.”

And then he flicked his hand and Aziraphale was suddenly _there_ again, blinking in confusion.

“ _Oh._ ” Crowley made a small sound, not quite believing that his angel was okay.

“You want retirement. Angels don't retire. But we will leave you two alone, station someone else on Earth to handle things. Keep your heads down or we might rethink it.”

“Um, excuse me," Aziraphale took in the scene in front of him. "Can someone explain what is going on?”

Crowley pulled himself together and rushed towards his husband. “It's alright dear. You're alright.”

He looked towards Gabriel. “That's it then. You're just going to let us go? Keep our heads down and don't cause too much trouble, and you leave us alone?”

“Yes.”

He didn't want to trust. But Gabriel started walking away. “See yourselves out then. And Crowley, I hope I don't have to see either of you for a very long time.” He paused. “Oh. Right.” Aziraphale stumbled as his grace was restored. And two very confused girls found themselves in a totally different place.

Crowley fell to his knees again, overcome.

“Oh dear, I seem rather lost.” Aziraphale wings stretching out after being bound for so long. “Are you okay Crowley? Why are we here?”

Crowley blinked away his shock, unsure what to address first.

“Daddy!” Bell screamed as she ran across the room and threw herself sobbing at him. “Da!”

“Oh Belly. It's okay. It's alright now.” He looked up. “Are you okay Suzy? I'm so sorry. I tried.”

Suzy, all in all of her 16 years, had a very odd look on her face.

“Go to Fa.” Crowley told Bell, and crossed the room, pulling Suzy into his arms. “Oh Suzy.”

“He broke my neck. I was dead.” She touched her neck.

“You're okay now.” Crowley brushed his fingers through her hair.

“I did just like they taught us in class, But he was so strong.”

“I know.” He told her.

“He wasn't supposed to ever hurt us again.”

“I know. I'm so sorry Suzy. He can't not anymore.” Tears streamed down his face and he rested his head on Suzy's shoulder. “Oh sweet Suzy. I know you'll never forgive me, I failed you and I'm so sorry.”

“Da. No. Of course it's not your fault.” She was crying now too.

“He's gone. I dealt with him.”

“Dear, can you please tell me what is going on?”

“I'll explain everything at home. No wait, the cottage burned. OH Ellen will be so worried. We must check in. They think you did it. I knew it couldn't have been you, but that was the conclusion they came to, someone set it, and you were gone.” He kept wiping his face, but the tears wouldn't stop.

“I would never.” Aziraphale exclaimed picking Bella up. She was 9 now, really too old to be picked up, but the angel didn't care about that.

“I know you wouldn't. But they didn't believe me.”

“Your wings are back.” Aziraphale stared at him.

“Yeah. um. S'a long story.”

“My wings are back. You're in Heaven. The girls are here.”

Crowley shoved everything deep inside, like he'd been doing since he Fell. His family was here and they were safe. And now he just had to figure out what to do with himself. “Like I said, it's a very long story. One that calls for quite a lot of wine.”

“Da, can we go home?”

“Oh Bell.” Crowley tried to figure out how to tell her.

“Malcolm burned it, didn't he? He always did like playing with fire.” Suzy took his hand. “What now?”

“I dunno girls, but I guess we'll figure it out when we're back at the village.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there's one last chapter that's very self indulgent. I'll probably post it tomorrow when I finish writing it. Honestly this may be the fastest I've ever churned out a story, and I hope the quality doesn't suffer. I just really want to get it done before surgery.


	5. Chapter 5

“Let's go to your old bookshop. I know you still have it, and I'll tell you everything.” Crowley said once they were back in Tadfield. “Not now though. We've got to straighten all this out." Crowley sighed. "I'm sorry darling, I'll tell you everything in a few hours."

And like he had done so many times before then, Crowley pushed all his feelings down like they didn't matter, and focused on the situation at hand. They spent hours with the girls, Aziraphale not understanding fully, but patiently waiting until they had a chance to talk to get the explanations he wanted.

Anathema and Newt had been happy to volunteer to babysit for them in the evening, as they had one on the way and the girls wouldn't do much more than sleep, and Anathema could keep an eye on them to make sure there were no unpleasant nightmares to wake them.*

(* Bella would remember very little of the whole situation, and it eventually became just a dream to her. Suzy was affected more. Being dead and coming back to life had left her very attuned to those who were no longer. One day she'd have a very prosperous career as a psychic supported by her wife Pepper, but that is another story.)

Explaining everything to Aziraphale took them through 3 bottles of wine. The bookshop was rather dusty and stale, but other than that unchanged. Crowley recounted everything as if like it was events from a show he'd watched, rather than how life had played out. Like he didn't have personal stakes in what had happened.

“Everyone will leave us alone now, so they say. Who knows how it'll actually go.” He shrugged and sighed as he looked down into his wine glass. “I liked living in the cottage.” He sat up suddenly. “Oh, Ellen has our photo albums. Did I tell you? They were what I took from the fire.”

Crowley drank again. “I'm quite over fire.” He exhaled through his nose. Falling, the bookshop, the cottage, the smell of charred paper and burning flesh. He shook his head as if to shake the memories away.

“Oh, dearest," Aziraphale said, let's go somewhere tropical next. No need for even a fire in the winter. Lets go someplace that has a beach. We haven't done a beach in ages.”

“You always want to go sailing.” Crowley protested. “I hate sailing. I like the land to stay firmly where it belongs – under my feet.”

“Fine, no tropics then. There are too many bugs anyways.”

“I'll check in with Ellen, get our photos back. Smooth things over." He paused and thought. "You and the girls went on a spur of the moment trip to the London Zoo, Bell's choice.” He held up a slip of paper. “See, I've got a receipt and everything. The cottage burning, well that was dreadful business. We'll find someplace else.”

He glanced over at Aziraphale when he didn't take the receipt. “What are you staring at Darling?”

“Your wings,” Aziraphale said. “They've got some white spots.” *

(*His traitorous wings wouldn't stay put away after being tied down for so long and kept popping back into existence.)

“Wot? They do not." He pulled one of his wings forward. “Oh, I look like a bloody cow or a dog or something.”

Aziraphale materialized his own wings and exclaimed. “I've got black spots.”

“WOT.” He darted over, almost spilling his wine glass. “You do! Tiny little black ones.” Like freckles almost. Wing dust. How had he missed that up in Heaven?* They were smaller than a 1 cent euro, but there none the less.

(*To be fair, quite a lot had been going on, and he hadn't been paying much attention to the angel's wings.)

“I've never seen wings like this before.” Aziraphale said as he studied his own wings and Crowley's

“Me either.” Crowley admitted. “So, what are we?”

“I've no idea. Not quite human, not quite angel, not quite demon. I guess we're a little bit of all three.”

Crowley pouted. “I hate them. How am I supposed to look cool when I look like I should be out grazing on a field. Yours at least look nice.” He flopped back on the couch, willing his wings to go back away and stay put this time.

“Darling, yours are nice too. I don't know where you get these ideas from. They look more like a butterfly wing.”

“A Butt... A butterfly?” He gaped. “NO.”

“You do. Rather nice.” Aziraphale sighed and leaned back, putting his wings away too. “I'm sure the girls will agree.”

Crowley knocked back his glass. “I'm not speaking to you anymore.”

Aziraphale leaned over and refilled his glass. “How about now?”

“Well I suppose."He pouted. "But don't you dare say that again.”

“I'm sure I have a book on butterfly types.” Aziraphale said jovially. “I'm sure to find which one you match.”

“I'm will start calling you Spots. Stop it.” He huffed. “I'll leave bleach pens out, don't think I won't.” Crowley chuckled to himself feeling clever.

"Of course, Dear." Aziraphale patted his knee.

They fell into a companionable silence. Somewhere along the way, something shifted, and Crowley grew serious.

“You know I spent hundreds of years wondering just why I _Fell._ And now that I know the truth, I want to be angry,” He sighed. “But you're here, and our girls are safe, and every terrible thing that's happened to us has led to now.”

He stood up, placing his glass on the coffee table. “Oh Aziraphale, my angel, the girls were dead, and I thought you were dead, and she told me that I was a demon of inconvenience and just for once I needed to be a real demon, and I _was."_ Crowley's eyes were wild.

"I was so angry, he hurt you and took your powers and I jumped into him, fully expecting it to end me too. But it didn't. You were still alive.” He crossed the room pulling Aziraphale's face into his hands. “And Gabriel's a wanker, but he brought them back. The girls are safe, and you're safe, and I'm still not sure I didn't explode after all, because everything is just too perfect, and these kinds of things don't happen to me.”

“Oh, my _dear._ ” Aziraphale stood up so he could touch Crowley's face.

“I've always tried to roll with the punches. Stuff happens and I don't deal with it. S'easier not to feel it. But he said they'd leave us alone for a while.” Crowley rested his forehead on Aziraphale's, “I keep pinching myself.”

“It's all real dear. It's going to be all right.” He gathered Crowley in his arms.

“Oh, lets go to bed.” Crowley said. “I just want to hold you for a few hours Aziraphale. You're alive.”

“I am my dear boy.” He kissed Crowley gently. “And I always do like a spot of cuddling.” He sighed contently.

“Aziraphale.” He said fondly.

“Come Anthony, the bed up here's not as nice as the one we had at the cottage, but it'll do.”

And so two immortal beings, neither demons or angels, but something entirely different and altogether discovered just what life was like when neither Heaven, Hell, or Humanity was bothering them, at least not like that. Sometimes they had to do errands on Earth, But were mostly left alone.

There were PTA meetings, School dances and the dating that went with it, Tears, and Trials, but their house always felt like love, and even if the village ladies thought Crowley dressed rather strange, he was mostly harmless, and never raised his voice in anger.

Their daughters were well behaved and taught by kindness, not fear. Zira and Crowley, their house was always open for a spot of tea whenever you needed it, no matter how late or early it was. Aches and pains of all sorts eased after visiting with them.

Adam and the Them, which now included two adopted girls became the closest of friends. Bella didn't remember much of her life before her dads, Suzy did, and while Zira and Crowley took her to plenty of therapy and always gave her lots of love and support, couldn't help feeling a little different, especially now that she was stuck in the grey area of _Dead, but not quite_ , and saw many thing that her sister didn't.*

(* Maybe something had happened in the cult, or perhaps she'd always been inclined to sensitivity)

Adam took her to Anathema, who proved to be quite a suitable teacher. And in return, Suzy was always available to babysit.

Life didn't always work out like a story book, but sometimes it did. Sometimes after six thousand years, God decided you'd done your work and let you have a breather. They didn't know how long this reprieve would last, but they would enjoy every minute of it, together, happy as a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Entirely unrealistic, and entirely self indulgent. There will probably be an epilogue, cause this ends rather abruptly, and I want to keep playing in this verse, perhaps after surgery. Sorry if it was too abrupt, I just really wanted to get this done before everything, and after surgery, I'll probably come in and clean this up!

**Author's Note:**

> I have the majority of this written out already, I'm just trying to figure out where to break it up. But this whole AU is ridiculously self indulgent, and it's going to have a happy ending, because after 6,000 years, they deserve it. And I'm having brain surgery on the 27th, so I'll try to have it all posted before then!


End file.
